4 Essential Tips for Parents Supporting a Child with an Eating Disorder

Guidance on maintaining familial connection while encouraging ED recovery

Written by Charlotte Bellows, anorexia survivor and author of “The Definition of Beautiful“

The fear and stress of eating disorders can put strain on any family, as everyone scrambles to try to figure out how to proceed. The parents want their child to be healthy again, but the child is too tightly intertwined in their mental illness to want the same. There can be an unfortunate level of disconnect between the sick child and the parents during this period – this is mostly based on misunderstanding and miscommunication. 

As an 18-year-old survivor of anorexia, these are some of the adjustments and behaviours my parents showed that I found helpful to my recovery. Though no recovery looks exactly the same, in the way that no child is exactly the same, my goal is that this will give you a perspective from the other side of what is appreciated and what is harmful when it comes to eating disorders, so you and your child can persevere and advance in the recovery process.

1. Be patient and forgiving 

It’s important to remember that eating disorders are not simply a refusal to eat a healthy amount of food – they’re coping mechanisms. Starvation can, unfortunately, be a very effective way to numb emotional pain. Please be empathetic. 

When someone begins the journey of recovery, they lose their most effective, soothing coping mechanism. If your child acts out of irrational panic and anger, it’s because they’re not ready to let go of that (even if they have to in order to survive). 

The way your child views people who are trying to help begin their recovery – from medical professionals to family members – will not necessarily be the way they view them at the end of their recovery. By this, I mean that some of the people who I hated the most at the start of my recovery were the people I was most grateful for in the end. 

2. Adjust your commentary 

Avoid compliments about physique, and focus on compliments about character. For example, you could say “I love your sense of humour” or “your smile is so radiant” (see what I did there? I shifted away from putting value on appearance, and instead put value on something more personal and authentic). 

Also, it’s usually safer to refrain from making comments along the lines of “you look so healthy now!” We must bear in mind that just because someone is physically recovered (weight-restored), that doesn’t mean they’re psychologically recovered. Your child could feel extremely uncomfortable in their body at a healthy weight, and drawing attention to their body would likely be upsetting for them. Unfortunately, appearing healthy can be interpreted as being aesthetically undesirable to someone who still has an eating disorder mindset. 

Don’t talk about diets or weight-loss in front of your child; that would be insensitive. They fuel the narrative that eating disorders are often based in. 

Back when I was in the depths of my illness, I would think about those kinds of comments for months after they’d been spoken. If a guest brings up either of those things, you can support your child by casually shifting the topic of conversation to something less harmful. Your child will be grateful. Comments such as “I’m going to have to burn off this dessert later” have a special place in therapy sessions, not at dinner tables. 

3. Take accountability 

It might be greatly beneficial to pause and reflect on your own relationship with your body and food. A little bit of introspection can go a long way. How can you role model healthy thought patterns for your child? Has your child learned certain unhealthy behaviours from you? 

Parents unknowingly make mistakes sometimes, and that’s understandable – it’s your first take at life, too. Taking accountability of harm you may have unintentionally caused requires vulnerability (and therefore bravery), but will make a healthy impact on your child. 

4. Take care of yourself 

You can only take care of someone else if you take care of yourself.  

I remember back in the early days of my recovery, the stress caused my mom to lose a lot of her appetite. Some mornings, she would drink liquid meal replacement so she could be adequately fueled to help me through the day (I found this very endearing, because liquid meal replacement is foul. So gross. Would not recommend. If someone drinks that stuff so they can better take care of you, you really know you’re loved.) 

Schedule a bit of time to do things that bring you peace, whether that be a walk, a movie, or a visit with a friend. 

And, regardless of the context of your self care, you just simply deserve to take care of yourself. 

I believe integrating and embracing this advice in your everyday life through patience, consideration, accountability, and self care will help create a safe environment in which your child feels a little more comfortable recovering. When it comes to eating disorder recovery, every step forward (no matter how small) is a victory. 

Finding help from specialised professionals – such as therapists, dietitians, and psychiatrists – is another great, and necessary, step forward. They will provide additional insight, experience, and support for your child. It goes without saying that the sooner your child has support, the better.

Best of luck, 

Charlotte Bellows 

Charlotte Bellows is an anorexia survivor who went on to write and publish her bestselling memoir, The Definition of Beautiful, while she was still in high school. She was born and raised in Calgary, but has left to pursue her post-secondary education at the University of Victoria. Her memoir provides a creative take on recovering from an eating disorder and the associated trauma. It can be found anywhere that sells books, including the Freehand Books website